I wasn't her first choice

[randyrockhard]

Things have not gone as well as I wish to in my relationship with my girlfriend. We were in a long distance relationship as I decided to move back to my hometown due to some unforeseen circumstances about my work.

I left Singapore in November last year and we decided to start to get to know each other's family around Christmas/New Year's holiday, where I visited her home for the first time, met with her parents and she visited mine and met with my mother.

Initially I thought everything was fine as she has been very patient with my situation. We celebrated our 1st anniversary together in January where I paid her a visit in Singapore. We agreed that in order to make this long distance relationship to work, there are some things that we need to do, such as constant communication via chat app, and also allow ourselves some time for some phone call/video chat.

We communicated regularly afterwards. However things started to take a different turn around last month where I found an opportunity with some freelance works in my hometown, which oddly, my girlfriend thought to be a distraction from my efforts to return working in Singapore to be with her. She told me that I must be able to multi-task and was unhappy that she felt that she wasn't my first priority above all.

I explained to her that, with this current economy and my industry still struggling, I was happy that I had an opportunity to be able to practice my skills again even when it only made little money.

She then questioned whether I acknowledged that as a man, one day there would be people who are gonna rely themselves on me. I do not know what has gotten into her mind, but she went to an extent where she insinuated that my parents were not pushing me enough. She even used rude words that if she has been my parents that she would have kicked me out of the house so that I would try harder.

I was deeply offended by her message, but I decided to ignore her rant and just ended the conversation with good night. I wanted to cool my head off for a while first.

Personally, I would never use messaging app to discuss important issues. If it's something important, one should either meet up or talk on the phone.

At the back of mind, I couldn't figure out what made her wrote those words. Because first of all, I never put her into any financial burden whatsoever as I still have more than enough money of my own. And secondly, I am not poor either.

Although it's true that in the professional sense, she was making 3 times of the money I was making, all the time that I was unemployed, I was still able to maintain the same living standards, we dated & travel together the same. It's just that we see each other lesser since I moved away.

The following day, I tried to reach out to her and she decided to ignore me. I called her, but she never returned my call. I texted her, and her reply becoming less & less frequent. It was the day before Valentine's Day.

I saw her actions as obvious sign that she actually wants to break up with me, but she was too proud. So I stopped looking for her.

She has crossed the line, and I guess I wasn't her first choice.

[maxsee]

Ur pockets not deep enough for her....u r better off with someone else...

[korean]

Originally Posted by randyrockhard

Things have not gone as well as I wish to in my relationship with my girlfriend. We were in a long distance relationship as I decided to move back to my hometown due to some unforeseen circumstances about my work.

I left Singapore in November last year and we decided to start to get to know each other's family around Christmas/New Year's holiday, where I visited her home for the first time, met with her parents and she visited mine and met with my mother.

Initially I thought everything was fine as she has been very patient with my situation. We celebrated our 1st anniversary together in January where I paid her a visit in Singapore. We agreed that in order to make this long distance relationship to work, there are some things that we need to do, such as constant communication via chat app, and also allow ourselves some time for some phone call/video chat.

We communicated regularly afterwards. However things started to take a different turn around last month where I found an opportunity with some freelance works in my hometown, which oddly, my girlfriend thought to be a distraction from my efforts to return working in Singapore to be with her. She told me that I must be able to multi-task and was unhappy that she felt that she wasn't my first priority above all.

I explained to her that, with this current economy and my industry still struggling, I was happy that I had an opportunity to be able to practice my skills again even when it only made little money.

She then questioned whether I acknowledged that as a man, one day there would be people who are gonna rely themselves on me. I do not know what has gotten into her mind, but she went to an extent where she insinuated that my parents were not pushing me enough. She even used rude words that if she has been my parents that she would have kicked me out of the house so that I would try harder.

I was deeply offended by her message, but I decided to ignore her rant and just ended the conversation with good night. I wanted to cool my head off for a while first.

Personally, I would never use messaging app to discuss important issues. If it's something important, one should either meet up or talk on the phone.

At the back of mind, I couldn't figure out what made her wrote those words. Because first of all, I never put her into any financial burden whatsoever as I still have more than enough money of my own. And secondly, I am not poor either.

Although it's true that in the professional sense, she was making 3 times of the money I was making, all the time that I was unemployed, I was still able to maintain the same living standards, we dated & travel together the same. It's just that we see each other lesser since I moved away.

The following day, I tried to reach out to her and she decided to ignore me. I called her, but she never returned my call. I texted her, and her reply becoming less & less frequent. It was the day before Valentine's Day.

I saw her actions as obvious sign that she actually wants to break up with me, but she was too proud. So I stopped looking for her.

She has crossed the line, and I guess I wasn't her first choice.

i dont see why u think u r not her first choice. Mind to elaborate? There r some similarity btwn our situation, long distance relation, her financial better, see parents etc....My first take is due to long distance relationship, u mentioned it was the day b4 v day, that means u was not with her during v day yeah? Last year during her birthday i promised to visit her cum visit her parent but i couldnt make it last minutes and she was so angry and blacklist my wechat and qq acount, and almost breakup. Recently she complained me that I leave her alone in prc for a year, if she is some other gal probably alredi run road lol...I'm surprised with what she said as in the past she told me she is okay with long distance relation and used to have such relationship b4, but now she said it is so torturing when she needs me but I'm not around. Luckily I almost done with the mess here and goign to move abroad by this month hopefully. I cannot give u any advice what u should do as not clear with both of u 2 situation but I just want to tell u that it could be due to long distance relationship. woman is complex, it is often u make the wrong guess as either she doesnt tell u their real feeling/thinking or they dunno what they want. Good luck!

[happywoody]

TS, bros and sis here can only advise in good faith. it's your life and you have a choice now about who you want your life partner to be.

my take - your situation can only get worse.
for whatever reason or excuse, your gf already has a sense of superiority over you. some people know how to be benevolent with power; some just can't handle it. the mismatched expectations from both sides seem to be widening.

u're still young. break it off. both of you deserve better and not be miserable.

get your career in order. cheong all u want.

then when u're ready - settle down

good luck

[One and Only]

A girl that doesnt understand your situation and put herself above u dont deserve to be considered.

Move on!

[AADD]

great post. i should move on as well.

[happywoody]

yes indeed ... move on ... especially for young bros - my definition before you hit your mid 40s

perhaps the relationship is not meant to last a lifetime but only for a season. see my other thread.

[Stud00]

Ts,

wow, that must have sting really badly.

Just want to share my own personal experience with you, some years back when i was starting out in my industry, i was dating this gal, and yes, i was head over heels with her. But one day, while sending her to work, she said this to me: 'I want to be with you, but you do not even have $30k in your bank, how can we make it?"... and from that day, we didnt contact each other that much.. and I've heard that she went through a few other relationships after me that didnt work out.

That day was a turning point in my life, and years after today, i would say i am comfortable.. all i can say is, if someone isn't going to be with when you are struggling, seriously, no point to hang on. let her go.. and someone much better would come by. Good luck!

Originally Posted by randyrockhard

Things have not gone as well as I wish to in my relationship with my girlfriend. We were in a long distance relationship as I decided to move back to my hometown due to some unforeseen circumstances about my work.

I left Singapore in November last year and we decided to start to get to know each other's family around Christmas/New Year's holiday, where I visited her home for the first time, met with her parents and she visited mine and met with my mother.

Initially I thought everything was fine as she has been very patient with my situation. We celebrated our 1st anniversary together in January where I paid her a visit in Singapore. We agreed that in order to make this long distance relationship to work, there are some things that we need to do, such as constant communication via chat app, and also allow ourselves some time for some phone call/video chat.

We communicated regularly afterwards. However things started to take a different turn around last month where I found an opportunity with some freelance works in my hometown, which oddly, my girlfriend thought to be a distraction from my efforts to return working in Singapore to be with her. She told me that I must be able to multi-task and was unhappy that she felt that she wasn't my first priority above all.

I explained to her that, with this current economy and my industry still struggling, I was happy that I had an opportunity to be able to practice my skills again even when it only made little money.

She then questioned whether I acknowledged that as a man, one day there would be people who are gonna rely themselves on me. I do not know what has gotten into her mind, but she went to an extent where she insinuated that my parents were not pushing me enough. She even used rude words that if she has been my parents that she would have kicked me out of the house so that I would try harder.

I was deeply offended by her message, but I decided to ignore her rant and just ended the conversation with good night. I wanted to cool my head off for a while first.

Personally, I would never use messaging app to discuss important issues. If it's something important, one should either meet up or talk on the phone.

At the back of mind, I couldn't figure out what made her wrote those words. Because first of all, I never put her into any financial burden whatsoever as I still have more than enough money of my own. And secondly, I am not poor either.

Although it's true that in the professional sense, she was making 3 times of the money I was making, all the time that I was unemployed, I was still able to maintain the same living standards, we dated & travel together the same. It's just that we see each other lesser since I moved away.

The following day, I tried to reach out to her and she decided to ignore me. I called her, but she never returned my call. I texted her, and her reply becoming less & less frequent. It was the day before Valentine's Day.

I saw her actions as obvious sign that she actually wants to break up with me, but she was too proud. So I stopped looking for her.

She has crossed the line, and I guess I wasn't her first choice.

[randyrockhard]

Originally Posted by korean

i dont see why u think u r not her first choice. Mind to elaborate? There r some similarity btwn our situation, long distance relation, her financial better, see parents etc....My first take is due to long distance relationship, u mentioned it was the day b4 v day, that means u was not with her during v day yeah? Last year during her birthday i promised to visit her cum visit her parent but i couldnt make it last minutes and she was so angry and blacklist my wechat and qq acount, and almost breakup. Recently she complained me that I leave her alone in prc for a year, if she is some other gal probably alredi run road lol...I'm surprised with what she said as in the past she told me she is okay with long distance relation and used to have such relationship b4, but now she said it is so torturing when she needs me but I'm not around. Luckily I almost done with the mess here and goign to move abroad by this month hopefully. I cannot give u any advice what u should do as not clear with both of u 2 situation but I just want to tell u that it could be due to long distance relationship. woman is complex, it is often u make the wrong guess as either she doesnt tell u their real feeling/thinking or they dunno what they want. Good luck!

Thank you for your advice. I have found resolve with this matter. She just wrote me an e-mail. I'll post it later when I return home.

[makeyouhappy]

Originally Posted by randyrockhard

Thank you for your advice. I have found resolve with this matter. She just wrote me an e-mail. I'll post it later when I return home.

Sheesh.. do let us know what she said, TS.

[randyrockhard]

Okay. I finally managed to have a few words with her, called her up and asked her what she meant with her lengthy e-mail.

In the e-mail she apologized to have started the mess by shutting herself down without explanation. She wrote that she felt fed-up with my lack of progress, and perhaps she misjudged how I would handle things. It could very well be that because she was brought up to be ultra-responsive, while I would handle things in a more chilled & relax way.

However, her e-mail did contained several worrying/condescending statements about how she doesn't know whether she could give the respect and trust that I deserved, let alone to be the head of the family one day. And that her heart and head are at two different places, she also wrote that she really loved me but she doesn't know whether she could continue. Especially during the moments she wanted to confide her work related problems, but I wasn't around. She ended the e-mail with a thank you message for me to have loved her more than she deserves and she hope life would show its better side for me soon because I truly deserve it.

The first time I read the e-mail that she sent at 1:59 a.m. I was like.... what exactly does she mean???? Is that actually a goodbye message?

So during the phone call last night, I asked her kindly whether with her e-mail, she actually wanted to break up with me, and I told her, if she did, I would understand and I thanked her for our time together, and wished her luck.

To my surprise, she sounded surprised and said no! She confessed that she didn't want to break up with me, but now she felt so pissed because I was willing to let her go. And now she's having second thoughts.

Damn.. that trick really worked! If your girlfriend acted on you, always make her aware that you are capable of leaving her by acting on it. If you already done what you need to do, then leave her alone until she couldn't take it. Just prepare for the worst consequences.

She told me that, she was hoping I would have continued pursuing her and ASKED her, 'what's wrong'. She also said that I was the only guy, compared to her previous boyfriends, who had actually ever serve her a taste of her own medicine, by ignoring her, and stopping to look for her for over a month and never asked her what's wrong. That space I gave her, was enough to clear her head of what she really genuinely felt. She confessed that the e-mail took her a brutal few weeks to complete.

brother korean was right, women is a complex creature indeed.....

I stopped her sentence by asking "Do you miss me?...... I miss you....." With a pause that felt like an eternity, she took a deep breath, and trembly said "Yes I miss you, but I really hate you for ignoring me that long!!

I then asked her again whether she really wanted us to continue as a couple, because I do, but I couldn't do it unless she also wanted it as well.

At first she gave a vague answer and said she didn't know. And I told her, that's not a good enough answer, because for me, a 'I don't know answer' is a NO answer. It's either a Yes or a No. She briefly paused and said, "Yes I want us to continue, but we need to work on it."

So long story short ... we had a lengthy discussion afterwards, and I'll be visiting her this week in Singapore.

note: I think the actual [UNSAID] reason she still wanted to be with me, was because her workload within our break period didn't allow her to meet with other potential men. Had there been any better suitors, I would probably already been single now.

Always keep our guard high!

[happywoody]

TS caveat emptor
the bros have spoken
and u have decided to take your course of action
hope you can can man up one day

[porscheclub]

She doesn't love you enough.

A lady who genuinely loves you will never step on you and in fact offer strength and financial assistance to see you through for the better of both. She may just take flight again when you are next in difficulty but it is not for us to judge. She seems to have feelings for you but wants a mate that matches her. I wouldn't fault her, for females are always looking for a stronger male to survive. Choose wisely or play the mind game till she surrenders

I've always preached that a man must build his career first and love will come but please make sure those honeys are not after your nectar.

[diputs1269]

Any further development after the lasr talk?

[cassandradream]

Woman wants attention, affection and lots of love making. She just misses you. We are not as difficult to understand. We constantly need assurance and make us feel wanted and needed. Local ladies tend to put financial security as a top priority in choosing a partner. Doesn't really mean we want you to feed us. We just want men who have the same drive and aspirations like we do. To live a comfortable life...

Sure you both like each other enough to introduce to parents. So don't worry so much.. Just maintain this healthy communication and you will be alright all the best!