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Matters of the Heart. Has a Commercial Fuck turned into a torrid Love Affair which has turned your life upside down? Fear not. We have experts here who can help you through your roller coaster ride. Tell us your story and we'll do our best to help.

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  #1  
Old 27-12-2017, 05:20 PM
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An experience to share - my marriage and my outside girl

Dear Bros,

I am writing my story in hope to inspire bros who are facing similar marriage situation as me to try and salvage your relationship with your wife.

I am married for 20 years and my love life with my wife has been a bumpy ride. The first couple of years into my marriage was oredi bad as we were staying with my parents while waiting for our HDB flat to arrive. The problems were created by daughter-n-law/mother-in-law situations and got worsen after my 1st baby arrived. We moved out after a year into a rented house.

Things didn't quite improved even after we shifted as we were both quick tempered. We would quarrel over trivial stuff and would shout at one another. Years gone by and i was having couple of flings outside, none was really serious.

Then 9 years ago, i met my outside gal. She was in fact my teenage love. We didn't get together but we knew we were fond of each other. Eventually we both got married to our other half. All these years we merely kept in contact on and off but have never spoken about our interest in each other until that particular day we met for lunch.

We started to contact each other and met for a few more times. Eventually we revealed our love for one another. We realised all these years our flame has never died.....

Last edited by RTTO; 27-12-2017 at 05:47 PM.
  #2  
Old 28-12-2017, 12:14 PM
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Re: An experience to share - my marriage and my outside girl

Very soon we got together and I was back falling in love, all the lovey dovey stuff got me so much excitement. I begin to spend lesser time with my wife. I begin to distant my wife. I would flare at the slightest thing she does or when her tone isn't right.

I felt that there isn't any love for my wife anymore. It was more like a habit of having her around at home. I too felt that I was merely a habit for her to see me at home too. I just couldn't make any extra efforts to work on our feelings and relationship. Even on her birthday and our anniversary, it was simply a simple meal. Our frequency of sex begin to dropped drastically... at times my brudder didn't even rise to the occasion.

In my mind I thought let my wife finds out about my affair so she will divorce me. I didn't care our intimate behaviour when I go out with my outside gal. We held hands, we hug, we smooch like any loving couples. I just didn't give a damn if anyone saw us.

3 years down the road with my galfriend, my wife found out about my affair. She flared, she screamed, she couldn't accept my betrayal. She wanted a divorce, but for some reasons, i realised I wasn't "READY" eventhough all the while I was hoping she would find out and divorce me.

I suddenly realised I couldn't let go of my wife. I wasn't ready to shatter my family for my outside gal. I pleaded for her forgiveness and assured her I will leave the outside gal....

.... to be continued. Gotta go for appt.
  #3  
Old 28-12-2017, 02:21 PM
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Re: An experience to share - my marriage and my outside girl

Thanks and nice of you to share your experiences here for the other married people 1st camper here
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Old 28-12-2017, 04:43 PM
MoeLanYong MoeLanYong is offline
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Re: An experience to share - my marriage and my outside girl

TS,
You had me at "salvage your relationship with your wife". Good to have some sensible advice in sbf. Most here think they are having a good time with their FL and FB. Carry on bro
  #5  
Old 29-12-2017, 02:29 PM
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Re: An experience to share - my marriage and my outside girl

At this instance, my mind was only how to tame my wife, how to make my wife forgive me and not go for a divorce. I decided to meet and galfren and break off with her. But i know deep inside these 3 years i was very happy with her and i know i love her very deeply. Letting go of her is as good as forsaking my happiness. Anyway, long story short, we agree to give each other some personal space and time. We stop meeting each other but continue to text each other everyday and would chat on the phone whenever possible. This was one way for both of us to lean on something so heart not as pain.

During the initial weeks was hell for me. My wife would wake up in the middle of the night and start to emo, and i have to wake up also to pacify her. Sleep was a luxury for me cos she has difficulty falling asleep. I would stay up all night listening to her shooting me why i do such a thing to her, why this, why that.....

This went on for many weeks.... i was deprived from sleep, i was like a walking zombie... but deep down i know i caused this upon myself. No one to blame. Day time i would receive text from my wife where am i, what am i doing etc etc.... when i reply late, she will suspect i am with my galfren and create a hoohaa...

It was really torturing. But because i created all these shit, i just gotta deal with it and hope for the best. Gradually she became more forgiving and the sleepless nights and emo reduced. But on and off would still bring it up, and when that happened, i would be deprive from sleep again and would have to listen to her shooting again.

My wife was also helping herself to move on by reading a lot of articles on the internet. It was really heartwarming. I mean after what i did to her, instead of simply wait for me to pacify her and do things to help her move on, she self help as well.

During this trying period, we literally have sex everyday. I am going into as much details as possible so bros with similar plight can expect how your wife would or might react. I went to read up some articles myself and this is a normal symptom for women to react.
  #6  
Old 30-12-2017, 06:35 PM
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Re: An experience to share - my marriage and my outside girl

Good read. Thanks bro TS.

but I am curious on 2 things.
1. The fact you decided to salvage back your marriage, is it becos you still love your wife?
2. After the incident, do you still argue as often? That was what triggered you to have another outside girl right?
  #7  
Old 04-01-2018, 12:52 PM
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Re: An experience to share - my marriage and my outside girl

After the trying period was over, we were back to normal routine... kids, work, in laws etc.... nothing really special. Again i wasn't putting in enough effort for my wife. Efforts such as showing her affections, understanding her needs and wants, giving her surprises... Very soon, we (girlfren and I) started contacting each other more often and started meeting again.

I wanted a fun and loving relationship yet I refused to work hard on my wife. Instead I went back to a "ready-made" whom I always get the thrills from her. Yes, you guess it right... i went back to my galfren and our relationship started all over again. This time was even hotter and loving.

Then i was back to the old self, neglecting my wife and spending more time with my girlfren. I lied about my overseas business trips, instead brought my galfren overseas. We had some much fun and got even more attached.

I avoided sex with my wife, even any simple form of intimacy. My mind was only my galfren. I made so much efforts for her instead of my wife. Any good stuff I have, I would pass on to my galfren.

My wife was totally unsuspicious of my affair. That give me even more oppty to meet my galfren. Years past and eventually my time with my galfren was up. She was asking for more, seeking more attention and was always hinting me to get a divorce. We begin to quarrel more often always due to jealousy of me with my wife. We started having cold wars... ranging from days to weeks and up to 2 months.

Long story short, eventually we broke off. I decided to revisit my affections for my wife. I got really tired on outside affair. I lied way too much. Looking at my wife, I begin to feel really bad for my deeds. I was actually the asshole who did not put in any efforts for my marriage. I was neglecting my wife all the time. I never put in any efforts to make her happy. I was so self-centered, everything was me, me and me. Even whenever she was sad over certain issues, I couldn't be bothered.

I thought for a very long time. Do i really still love my wife or was it just a "used to it" situation. I wanted to make sure I still love my wife, not becos I was having problem with my galfren thus make use of my wife to satisfy my emotional needs.

All the good things about my wife started appearing in my head. All these years, despite my ups and downs in my career and business, she stood by me. Despite finding out my affair, she forgive me and moved on. Of course she is not perfect, neither am I. We had our differences and dislikes of certain individual character and personality attributes.

I told myself I needed to find back the old ME that was so crazy over my wife thus wooing her, thus asking her to marry me.....

To be continued...
  #8  
Old 04-01-2018, 01:04 PM
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Re: An experience to share - my marriage and my outside girl

Quote:
Originally Posted by herotan View Post
Good read. Thanks bro TS.

but I am curious on 2 things.
1. The fact you decided to salvage back your marriage, is it becos you still love your wife?
2. After the incident, do you still argue as often? That was what triggered you to have another outside girl right?
Bro, (1) Yes, I still love my wife. Wasn't out of impulse but realised I didn't pay any attention to her. When i started to pay attention on her, I know I still love her.

(2) We argued less but becos my mind wasn't right. I was constantly neglecting my wife thus slightest thing would trigger major exchange of words...
  #9  
Old 08-01-2018, 12:54 PM
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Re: An experience to share - my marriage and my outside girl

Quote:
Originally Posted by RTTO View Post
Dear Bros,

I am writing my story in hope to inspire bros who are facing similar marriage situation as me to try and salvage your relationship with your wife.

I am married for 20 years and my love life with my wife has been a bumpy ride. The first couple of years into my marriage was oredi bad as we were staying with my parents while waiting for our HDB flat to arrive. The problems were created by daughter-n-law/mother-in-law situations and got worsen after my 1st baby arrived. We moved out after a year into a rented house.

Things didn't quite improved even after we shifted as we were both quick tempered. We would quarrel over trivial stuff and would shout at one another. Years gone by and i was having couple of flings outside, none was really serious.

Then 9 years ago, i met my outside gal. She was in fact my teenage love. We didn't get together but we knew we were fond of each other. Eventually we both got married to our other half. All these years we merely kept in contact on and off but have never spoken about our interest in each other until that particular day we met for lunch.

We started to contact each other and met for a few more times. Eventually we revealed our love for one another. We realised all these years our flame has never died.....
Oh deym! that is what exactly happened to me too, but I need to talk with my teenage sweetheart to cut our mutual feelings with one another, I did not allow it to move to the next level as I realized I need to be a man and face my responsibilities in life. We remain good friends and still in contact and make sure not to talk over out feelings with one another anymore!

We chose to be married, inside marriage there are lots of things might happened, specially fights and misunderstanding, I believe facing a bad relationship and turning it to a good and perfect one is the best thing to do in life.

I am not perfect, I go to massage services once in a while, but I consider this as normal because I am a man, I am just making sure that I am staying away to be in-love with other girls.
  #10  
Old 12-01-2018, 07:28 PM
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Re: An experience to share - my marriage and my outside girl

I decided the best thing to do was to have a heart to heart talk with my wife. That particular fine Sunday, I walked up to my wife and i asked if we could talk. She said ok. I could see her face changed, probably thinking i wanted a divorce. I told her let's open up and talk over us.

Both of us knew something was very wrong between the 2 of us and had chosen to sit on it and hope for it to disappear. Apparently it did not, and we both knew it never will. That day, we spoke about everything that was a problem in our relationship. Problems such as our attitude, our reactions to everything, our efforts, our pride, our ego, anything that was going to or already have ruin our relationship.

After talking it out, it was a big relieve for both of us. We hugged and kissed and promised to put in our utmost efforts into our marriage... for us and for our kids!

Both of us became more patience with one another and would kiss and hug every morning. We would make every effort to text each other if taken lunch, I miss you, drink more water etc through out the day. I started teasing and seducing my wife whenever possible.... knowing my wife isn't quite into sex, we spoke about each other's needs and how to get aroused etc.... we started having sex 3-4 times a week.

It's been about 2 months and I know and could feel our efforts have paid off. We were more loving than ever. We talked about everything, discuss work matters, family matters, creating affections, teasing one another, making plans together....

The key to all these really depends on oneself putting in the efforts to make things happened. Of course our wife gotta put in her efforts too.... need 2 hands to clap. It wasn't easy. Both gotta be willing party - willing to make the change, willing to put in the efforts. Fortunately, my wife and i were willing to make things happen.

I cut down my messaging with my galfren and constantly remind myself not to set a foot into another relationship. It wasn't easy at the beginning. But trust me, time will heal. It's like taking drugs... the initial period when you cut, is the most painful period. Bros who are going thru similar situations but no due to outside flings, it's probably a lot easier.

I hope my story could inspire as many bros who are in similar situation as possible. Of course everyone's situation is unique. I was fortunate my wife decided to take another chance on me and I was willing to make the change.

After all, we did love each other like crazy thus we became a couple and eventually made our vows at ROM. We just need to find that reason and feel again!
  #11  
Old 12-01-2018, 09:17 PM
MoeLanYong MoeLanYong is offline
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Re: An experience to share - my marriage and my outside girl

Great story TS!! Happy for you. In the many years in sbf (i have an older acct), you are one of the rare few wise men who dared to own up to his mistake, and who is unafraid of doing what is right. Your wife and kids will have a better future bec of the choice you made. Kudos to you sir!

Your story is one of humility and of courage. I too hope it inspires many others trapped in the same situation. There is only 1 part I do not agree with. I do not agree it takes 2 hands to clap. For me, the Man leads the household. He has the ability (and the responsibility) to make his marriage work. I do not believe a woman cannot be swayed by her husband when things are sour when she can be swayed in the first place to marry him. To me, that man is just not willing or humble enough like you.
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Old 13-01-2018, 03:16 PM
JacqueMerlin JacqueMerlin is offline
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Re: An experience to share - my marriage and my outside girl

I wish the TS all the best even though I'm reminded of the pain i went through. I realise i still cannot accept being treated well by 'family' members. It felt so weird that I can call people as family members. Life was a shithole when i was with parents. My father abused me physically through beatings that went beyond the boundaries of what a father should do. My mother preferred my sister and left me to suffer the beatings. Deprived of motherly love, i was also forced to endure the insane limitations of living a life shackled by 'religious ethics'. Having a gf is frowned upon, having a family is not encouraged even when i was in my mid 20s making my own income. I leapt into another shithole the moment i could and became a prisoner of the women's charter. Became Suicidal until i got to know about the outside world of hedonism.
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Old 13-01-2018, 05:13 PM
MoeLanYong MoeLanYong is offline
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Re: An experience to share - my marriage and my outside girl

Quote:
Originally Posted by JacqueMerlin View Post
I wish the TS all the best even though I'm reminded of the pain i went through. I realise i still cannot accept being treated well by 'family' members. It felt so weird that I can call people as family members. Life was a shithole when i was with parents. My father abused me physically through beatings that went beyond the boundaries of what a father should do. My mother preferred my sister and left me to suffer the beatings. Deprived of motherly love, i was also forced to endure the insane limitations of living a life shackled by 'religious ethics'. Having a gf is frowned upon, having a family is not encouraged even when i was in my mid 20s making my own income. I leapt into another shithole the moment i could and became a prisoner of the women's charter. Became Suicidal until i got to know about the outside world of hedonism.
Your story reminds me of a song.

Mike and the Mechanics - The Living Years

Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door

I know that I'm a prisoner
To all my Father held so dear
I know that I'm a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Oh, crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I'm afraid that's all we've got

You say you just don't see it
He says it's perfect sense
You just can't get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defence

Say it loud (say it loud), say it clear (oh say it clear)
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late (it's too late) when we die (oh when we die)
To admit we don't see eye to eye

So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It's the bitterness that lasts

So don't yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you don't give up, and don't give in
You may just be okay

So say it loud, say it clear (oh say it clear)
You can listen as well as you hear
Because it's too late, it's too late (it's too late) when we die (oh when we die)
To admit we don't see eye to eye

I wasn't there that morning
When my Father passed away
I didn't get to tell him
All the things I had to say

I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I'm sure I heard his echo
In my baby's new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Say it loud, say it clear (oh say it clear)
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late (it's too late) when we die (it's too late when we die)
To admit we don't see eye to eye

So say it, say it, say it loud (say it loud)
Say it clear (come on say it clear)



============

Google the song and listen to it. You may find closure.

There is another way. Be a dad yourself. You find yourself doing almost the same thing you dad did. Then you remind yourself that you can be better - thats the closure you are looking for.
  #14  
Old 16-01-2018, 10:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JacqueMerlin View Post
I wish the TS all the best even though I'm reminded of the pain i went through. I realise i still cannot accept being treated well by 'family' members. It felt so weird that I can call people as family members. Life was a shithole when i was with parents. My father abused me physically through beatings that went beyond the boundaries of what a father should do. My mother preferred my sister and left me to suffer the beatings. Deprived of motherly love, i was also forced to endure the insane limitations of living a life shackled by 'religious ethics'. Having a gf is frowned upon, having a family is not encouraged even when i was in my mid 20s making my own income. I leapt into another shithole the moment i could and became a prisoner of the women's charter. Became Suicidal until i got to know about the outside world of hedonism.
Hi JacqueMerlin, u r oredi an adult thus u have the full control over how you wanna live your life. No one can take it away from u... u make a decision and move on. No one ever remains happy all the time. Everyone got their own problems to worry and sad situations. We are only humans. And humans make mistakes, have regrets.... how you grew up in your family is a thing of the past. Brace up and start living the life u want. Make more friends and have more outings... trust me, any painful memories will be distributed.... dun let your past ruin your present and your future.
  #15  
Old 16-01-2018, 10:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MoeLanYong View Post
Great story TS!! Happy for you. In the many years in sbf (i have an older acct), you are one of the rare few wise men who dared to own up to his mistake, and who is unafraid of doing what is right. Your wife and kids will have a better future bec of the choice you made. Kudos to you sir!

Your story is one of humility and of courage. I too hope it inspires many others trapped in the same situation. There is only 1 part I do not agree with. I do not agree it takes 2 hands to clap. For me, the Man leads the household. He has the ability (and the responsibility) to make his marriage work. I do not believe a woman cannot be swayed by her husband when things are sour when she can be swayed in the first place to marry him. To me, that man is just not willing or humble enough like you.
You are right bro. I was previously buried by my ego. Glad I woke up.... glad I put down my ego.
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