[Learhsa]

There is no right or wrong here. I’ve been thru the same as an opposite gender. You will take time to heal most likely some time longer than the affair itself even if it really works out. You have to play the loving Wife, victim and maybe counsel if your husband won’t go counselling with you. You don’t really have to play the push and pull but be true to your emotions and he needs to be able to understand he contributed to the lack
Of trust issue. However as stated, when both of you have a clear mind. Do send the kid away a bit and try to relive courtship memories. You can share about inner desire which you became not comfortable with after marriage. It is true to no matter gender, surprises to appease each other goes a Long way. When you are so predictable obviously being together for decades doesn’t help especially when having a strain relationship.

Ultimately, you know you have a choice and you are not dependent on him. From your message, you chose to stay because you cherish the ups and down together over the past decade and that is commendable about. No doubt, he has developed feelings for the affair but in his heart he also knows the relationship is unlikely to get him anywhere unless you allow it to. You do however should request that you make one confrontational with the other party if possible. He needs to Understand this is essential to give you assurance that you are not kept in the dark if he sincerely wants to get together. If you can rationalizenyour demands, it’s easier to communicate with the “male” most oftenly.

Do some self reading on marriage recovery from infidelity and also schedule activities together. Things he’s interested in that you don’t feel too uncomfortable to join or even prove at times things you don’t enjoy but won’t mind accompanying him to. These actions should be reciprocal but not expected as it will also emotionally drain you from expectations. Have a open dialogue and agree how Long you need to speak about this issue till you recover. Review over a period of time and agree again. Do not publicly shame him especially with common friends and family especially your children. For those who are close and already know, just don’t keep them in the same circle for the time period.

It’s a balance you need to make between a loving Wife to win him back, the victim to let him understand the hurt and put on a counsellor hat to know what’s best for both of you.

It’s been 4 years since we’ve passed the confrontation, there will still be problems. But in our heart we also knew what we really wanted and things doesnt typically goes too south from there. You are at the darkest moment of a lifetime but reading from your message, you are also still very much sane to do the right thing.

Wishes you the best in your recovery